In today’s secular culture, we see sex plastered everywhere – promoted on television, written about in books, lurking in the darkest parts of the internet, and celebrated openly in public. With all this exposure to sex, it’s no wonder that many people find themselves tempted by the passion of lust and all the sins it leads to. As faithful Orthodox Christians, we must do our best to learn the teachings of the Church, especially when it comes to sexuality and abstinence.
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The Purposes of Sex
It is no secret that God created mankind with sexuality. At one time or another, each one of us has felt a sexual urge of some kind. Even Adam and Eve, our First Parents, felt these things. But what is the purpose of this sexual drive? Why do we have it in the first place?
1. Spiritual Union
Sex results in the spiritual union of husband and wife. The two mystically become one flesh and achieve a level of intimacy and love perhaps only rivaled by that between a mother and her child. This unique “oneness of soul and body” mirrors the relationship between Christ and His Church and brings incredible happiness and growth to the couple that follows Christ.
2. Procreation
The second purpose of sex, according to Orthodox teachings, is procreation. This makes sense. After all, what does sex do more often than not? It results in a baby! In a way, it’s incredibly miraculous. The way God unites a man and woman and creates another human being through them. This new life is the penultimate expression of man’s participation in God’s work. Note that while procreation is an integral part of a loving Christian marriage, but not every marriage must result in procreation.
Sexuality is based on divine love
We read in 1 John 4:7-8 that love comes from God, that “God is love”. It follows then, that human sexuality, as part of God’s creation, is based on this divine love. By this we don’t mean some sort of fleeting attraction. The divine love of God is agape love, spiritual love that is unconditional, selfless, genuine, and cheerful, with no expectation of receiving anything in return. This kind of love surpasses all codes of ethics and the scope of human feeling; it is the love we see between the Persons of the Holy Trinity, and the love God has for His creation. Because God is the source of all things, our exercise of this love must be done in accordance to God’s will and commandments.
How do we know God’s will when it comes to human sexuality? We look to the creation of Adam and Eve. God created man with two modes of being: male and female (Genesis 1:27) and created them to be in communion with one another, just as the Persons of the Holy Trinity are in communion. God appropriates male and female as perfect companions for one another in marriage (Genesis 2:24), and as Christians we must exercise our love and sexuality within these parameters. Therefore, things like adultery, homosexuality, transgenderism, bestiality, pornography, and fornication are always unacceptable for Orthodox Christians.
Sexuality mirrors the work of God
God sent His Son Jesus Christ to us, to restore the communion with God that we lost after death entered the world through sin. Christ’s death on the cross was entirely voluntary; He never sinned and thus was never under the same penalty of death as the rest of us. He chose to die for us, because He loved us. Sexual love must mirror the love of God; it should be giving, unique, and selfless, not casual, crude, and self-centered. The only way for sexual union to mirror God’s love, is for it to be blessed and sanctified in marriage.
Expressing sexuality within heterosexual Christian marriage
The Holy Scriptures and the Church Fathers highlight many prohibitions against premarital sexual relations of any kind (Matt. 5:27-28; 15:10-20; Gal. 5:16-25; etc.) In sharing sexual intercourse before marriage, we express a union that doesn’t exist. We become “one flesh” with another person, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but not with our husband or wife. In the end, we bring that “piece” of the other person into our marriage, whether we are actively conscious of it or not. Sexual intercourse thus is no longer a unique bond shared only between husband and wife; rather it becomes a twisted rendition of the bond God established for us, with other people added in that do not belong there.
For the Orthodox Church, then, heterosexual Christian marriage is the only proper social context for human sexuality. As God says: “marriage is honorable […] and the bed undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage introduces man into eternal joy and love. He becomes King of the domestic church beside his wife, and together, they raise future saints. He gives himself to her, and she likewise gives herself to him, over and over again each day. Together, they replicate the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:25), embodying the selfless love of God. When they become “one flesh,” they act in communion with God and, in a way we cannot understand, participate in a higher reality while still remaining fully human.
Use of contraception / birth control within marriage
Many married Orthodox couples wonder what the Church allows when it comes to the use of contraception or birth control within the context of their marriage. There is a lot of nuance surrounding this topic, mainly because of the plethora of options that exist out there, whether medical or natural.
As a bottom line, the Church condemns any type of contraceptive that is abortifacient. In other words, any type of method that results in the death of the unborn child, post-fertilization. For use of non-abortifacient contraceptives, or for the use of natural methods of birth control like NFP or marital abstinence, you must always obtain a blessing from your spiritual father before taking any sort of action as a married couple. While we would be more than happy to answer your questions here, our best advice is to speak with your local parish priest, since he will know your particular situation best and can offer meaningful spiritual counsel to you and your spouse.
Practicing abstinence outside of marriage
The Eastern Orthodox Church teaches that any sexual activity taking place outside of marriage is sinful (as are certain activities within marriage – see below). Therefore, the Orthodox Church teaches that unmarried individuals should practice abstinence, or celibacy: not having sex with anyone (including yourself). Those of us still not married do this to preserve the sanctity of the marriage bond that God established. There are two goals of celibacy/abstinence:
- To remain free of carnal pleasure
- To orient your life toward God and away from the secular world
How could depriving yourself of carnal pleasure be more satisfying than just doing what you want? You aren’t hurting anyone, so what difference does it make? Sadly, you are hurting someone. Yourself, and potentially others.
Orthodox theology places incredible importance on the connection between soul and body. What we do with our bodies affects our minds and hearts, just as what we think and feel affects our bodies. Our souls are affected more than we realize, and we need to take care of them. When Orthodox Christians practice abstinence, we protect and honor our bodies, which are temples of the Holy Spirit. Not only this, but we also protect our souls from the harm sin can do to us – drawing us away from God. Whether we’re single or married, practicing abstinence helps us build a lifetime of faithfulness that is priceless and more conducive to true inner peace and joy than living in sin.
By being abstinent, we become better spouses. Because we learn what true love is, and how to emulate that love with our future spouse. After all, how can we truly love someone else if we engage in behaviors that gratify only ourselves?
FAQs: What is permissible?
Yes, abstinence includes masturbation. Since masturbation does not result in the creation of life and is self-directed, not focused on expressing love or concern for your husband or wife, it is a perversion of our sexuality. When you masturbate, you satisfy your own carnal desires, much like fornication, homosexuality, and pornography.
Supposedly, there is scientific evidence that leaving sexual desires repressed (i.e. not masturbating) can inhibit mental growth and put the body through undue stress. There are other healthy ways to relieve sexual tension that do not lead to sinning against God. Physical exercise is a great alternative. We must also remember the power of the Grace of God, of the beautiful Sacraments, and of prayer. With God’s assistance, we can overcome even the most torturous desires and live a life of purity and chastity.
Not necessarily. First, understand that arousal is a biological function driven by our need to propagate the species. That means in many cases, it will be unwanted, an automatic response to something you see or hear or feel. There are other times when we will stimulate our own arousal by deliberately thinking about or consuming particular content. This, of course, is always wrong outside marriage, in a loving context with your spouse.
When unwanted arousal comes upon you, you must pray and fight against the temptation to succumb to it. Because those desires are meant to be expressed in the context of a loving Christian marriage between a husband and wife. The sin is not in having the arousal, so to speak, since it happened without your will. Rather, the sin would be in indulging that passion that was unwanted to start with. In allowing it to blossom beyond arousal into fantasy or action that results in greater sin.
After our years of procreation come to an end, the Church encourages us to live as brother and sister and to become intimate in other ways. However, that does not mean that older couples who still feel these arousals for their spouse naturally (without the use of drugs like viagra or other stimulants/aids like lube) would be forbidden from engaging in coitus, just because they could no longer bear children. So long as they still continue to feel natural sexual arousal, they are allowed. It is when you artificially manufacture that arousal that it becomes unnatural and thus not permissible in the eyes of the Church.
Yes, all forms of sexual intimacy are forbidden before marriage. Why? Because even something as simple, something as innocent, as a kiss could lead one or both of you into even greater sin. Obviously, this present a stumbling block to many people. After all, our society promotes sex so vehemently.
There are other ways outside of sexual intimacy to get to know someone. Just because that one person will become your spouse some day does not make the “getting to know them” part any different than it would be for anyone else. If you did marry someone and he/she cheated on or abused you, the Church has concessions in place. See our article about remarriage and divorce for more information on that.
The colloquial term for this would be “dirty talk”. And generally speaking, this is not a good idea. While talking about your desire to be together in that way is not necessarily sinful, we would caution you from getting too graphic. Sometimes speaking the words aloud can increase the temptation to act upon them.
You should, however, sit down with your spouse and talk about expectations. This is especially important if you come from different faith backgrounds, or if one of you is new to Orthodoxy.
There is nothing sinful about touching your spouse when you are being physically intimate. The act of sexual intimacy lies in giving ourselves to our spouse, not in taking what we want from him/her. Your spouse’s body is yours, but your body belongs to your spouse. You can show care and appreciation and love for that which your spouse has given you. And you should! Just take care not to objectify your spouse or misuse your hands in ways God did not intend (like sticking a finger somewhere it does not belong). Your actions must be driven by love, not lust.
If you have questions about a particular behavior, we encourage you to speak with your priest. He can help you navigate these waters better than we can!
Oral sex, whether open to conception or not, is a perversion of the use of one’s sexual organs and is never permissible. The same goes with the use of toys, viewing of pornography, etc. Likewise, pornography and masturbation as well.
How to avoid sexual sin
Remaining chaste and pure is difficult. Especially if you have a significant other in the picture. And while this sort of thing is much easier said than done, we can offer you some suggestions. These apply whether you struggle with the temptation or have already committed the sin:
Fast
Fasting has a way of purging the body of that which makes it impure. It allows the Christian to gain control of the things that once controlled him or her. In other words, fasting is a tool of spiritual discipline that opens the door to a blossoming relationship with God. You can fast from foods, as well as television, video games, etc. to help you learn self-control. Whatever it is that tempts you to sin, fast from it! For example, if you tend to look at pornography on your cell phone, fast from your phone. Set a screen time limit, or turn your phone off and put it away somewhere after a certain time each day. This limits the amount of time you would otherwise be exposed to the temptation to look at pornography.
Pray
Prayer is another tool you should use to fight against the passions. Turn to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to protect you from those temptations. Prayers are incredibly powerful before God; He listens, hears, and responds when His children call upon him.
Keep Reading: How To Maintain A Consistent Prayer Life
Additionally, you should ask others to pray for you. Ask fellow parishioners, your priest, loved ones, friends, and even Saints who struggled with the same sin during their lifetime. Their intercessions carry all the more power within them, because they achieved admirable levels of holiness despite the sins of their pasts. A few wonderful Saints to ask intercession from regarding lust and sexual sin are: St. Mary of Egypt, St. Justina, St. John the Long-Suffering, and Saint Moses the Ethiopian.
Confess
If you feel tempted to commit a sexual sin, or you already committed one, seek out your priest and confess your sin to God. Why do this? Because Confession is cathartic and helps our soul heal from the damage done by our sins. We confess in the presence of the priest because he gives us “treatment” to help us heal and avoid sin in the future. He is human, just like you and me. Thus, he can offer sympathy, guidance, and encouragement to us as we strive to live better lives. Together with your priest, you can work out a plan that will help you get better, just as a doctor does when you feel physically unwell.
Conclusion
When it comes to our sexuality, we must adhere to the Divine Law of God and His Church. He established the sacrament of Marriage as the proper context for expressing our sexual love, and He has told us to reserve that love for one person, our husband or wife. When we go against this, we harm ourselves spiritually and emotionally. But there is no sin God will not forgive, so long as we truly seek repentance and desire to live the life He desires for us.
If we do fall into sexual sin, there’s always the option to repent, ask forgiveness, and receive God’s mercy and the joy of one’s conscience being made clean. Do not despair. There is hope in Christ!
Keep Reading: Remarriage After Divorce?
13 Responses
Hi! Can you please elaborate on bringing “piece” of the other person into our marriage? If your partner has had several sexual partners in the past you haven’t, but you then later get married in the church- how does that work? Has the partner with a past brought, other women into the marriage bed?
Anonymous,
Christ is in our midst – He is and ever shall be! Thank you for your question. The sin of fornication damages the soul, as it twists the union God intended between a man and a woman as husband and wife. But in repentance and submission to the will of God, all wounds of the soul can be healed, even the shattering of the soul through fornication. If the significant other with a sexual past repents of that past and is absolved through the Holy Mystery (Sacrament) of Confession, the bond between husband and wife will not be “infiltrated” by others. In short, there is no sin that God will not forgive. Even in our brokenness, repentance and forgiveness from the Lord can make what was broken whole once more. Following Confession (which one must be Orthodox to participate in, since it is a Sacrament of the Church), the significant other can focus on building a chaste and holy life moving forward, with the priest as a spiritual guide.
Most of all, having had premarital sex does not prevent a person from marrying in the Church. Many Orthodox faithful (whether those born into the faith or those who converted) who have committed this sin have gone on to have fulfilling family lives after repenting.
We hope this is edifying and helpful – God bless!
Thank you! God bless you too!
How to avoid falling into despair because of past fornication? I try to abstain from carnal pleasure but when I sleep the images I am shown cause me to give in unconsciously and instantly. I am so weak and helpless. All I want is to selflessly love someone and have communion with a woman. This desire for something good is killing me every day and making it impossible to live my life. I am so lonely and worthless to every woman because of this loneliness please pray for me. Even though I have faith and trust in God, he gives me into the hands of witches and diviners. My past encounters before I knew about God all literally worship the devil now and perform rituals and attacks against me.
Anonymous,
Christ is in our midst. We will certainly pray for you. The attacks of the evil one will always continue, but do not despair. God has overcome the world, death, and sin! The Lord will never allow you to be tempted beyond what He knows you are capable of resisting. Speak with your priest about these desires you feel that are consuming you. Develop a prayer rule and have someone besides yourself (your priest is an excellent choice) hold you accountable for completing the rule every day. Instead of watching television or scrolling on social media, pour yourself into the Scriptures or other Orthodox books.
All things come to us at the time when the Lord decrees. Focus on your salvation, and when the Lord wills it, that woman will enter your life. Trust in the Lord. *Really* trust in Him. And work out your salvation with fear and trembling. Such an Orthodox man will undoubtedly attract an Orthodox woman! We have seen it happen numerous times before. May God bless you and fill you with the hope and joy of His resurrection as you heal from these wounds and fight these passions. May He grant you the strength to don the armor of God and persevere in your fight against the demons, and may He one day bless you with a companion that is “bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh”. Amen!
I have two questions related to sexual sin. For context, My best friend and I recently became catechumens; he is married, I am not.
1- I struggle with masturbation; I read many places that, even without pornography, this is sinful, yet I’ve tried to understand how this is not simply viewed as a pastoral concern? I understand the arguments about it being a distortion, I am wondering why it’s so black and white and realistically what I should do apart from pray, which I do fervently.
2- My friend (who is married) does not believe anal or oral sex with his wife is sinful. I’ve shown him the writings of many church fathers who clearly state that it is sinful, yet he insists that individual priests could be wrong and there is no dogma or nothing from an Ecumenical Council on point here and it’s simply pastoral. I believe he’s incorrect and deceiving himself but I don’t know what say. I’ve told him he should ask the priests, he has said that even if the priest told him he were wrong, he would disregard it because he would consider the priest fallible. Is there any thing dogmatic on this issue I could point him towards?
Nate,
Christ is in our midst. We would recommend seeking guidance from your priest regarding what you should do to combat the temptation to masturbate. We can give some general “tips and tricks” to try, but they may not work for you depending on your situation. Firstly, do your utmost to remove opportunities for the temptation. For example, if you tend to be drawn to pornography, use your phone’s settings to restrict that content, and make it as difficult (and annoying) as possible to have to remove those constraints. If possible, lock it with a code and have a trusted friend or relative keep that code, so you are not even aware of what it is. Another suggestion is to keep yourself busy. The Church Fathers caution against idleness, as this leads us more easily into temptation. When you are preoccupied with other things – work, school, service projects, home improvement projects, etc. – you are less likely to be in your room, alone, seeking this pleasure. And, of course, continue to pray. In time, you will overcome this. Many have, by the grace of God, and you can, too.
Regarding your friend’s opinion about oral and anal sex, you are entirely correct. Rather than coming at it from a legal standpoint (“There are no canons that say I can’t do this…”), approach this subject from an Orthodox theological perspective. Sin, in the Orthodox phronema, means to “miss the mark”. Therefore, *any* behavior that deviates from what God has designed is considered sinful. God created our sexual organs for the purpose of procreation in marriage. Any sexual activity that deviates from that purpose “misses the mark” and is therefore sinful. There is also the intended purpose of the anus (defecation) and the mouth (nourishing the body and worshiping the Lord). Deviating from their intended purpose is “missing the mark”. Orthodoxy is not a legalistic religion; it is a way of life. If your friend would disregard the word of his priest, who is his spiritual guide, perhaps he should seriously reconsider continuing his catechesis. Such defiance is dangerous in an Orthodox Christian, who is called to submit to the will of God in all things and defer to those with more spiritual knowledge than he.
We pray this helps you. Should you have any other questions, please feel free to respond here! God bless you, and may your catechesis fill you with joy and peace as you come to enter the Church.
The problem is, the help understanding and advice is all orientated towards the men and not the women. We’re completely left out of the picture culturally. It’s taboo to even admit to sexual sin and when there is grace there is little understanding so you better not have sexually sinned too much. That plants fear in women which leads to a tendency towards silence, which then skews cultural norms and common understanding and so the problem continues. But where do you go when you haven’t sinned an acceptably small amount? You must sin like a man… that would be shocking. Most don’t even knows what to do with women who’ve sinned sexually, so you really are trapped left to guess who might not follow the cultural norms and be graceful and safe, not something any smart woman would risk. In this overtly sinful western world the things that are encouraged and shared and normal nowadays are perverse, the woman’s story is now almost the same as the man’s story. Differences that have been observed (in the secular research) is that men are visual creatures, women are narrative driven. Other than that, sadly, there is little differentiating men from women in sexual sin, the last two decades have been merely an announcement of that hidden new norm and increased ease of access for children. When will the church catch up to the need? Women are nervous and suffering alone out there, perhaps we’re in the world saint Mary of Egypt was in, so open to sin, so easy for women to engage is promiscuity. The common understanding in the church MUST change in favor of modern women’s sexual struggles, or I foresee the woman being the greater sexual sinner than the man for sheer lack of support. I don’t mean to judge, just to inform. I’m sick of relying on liberal sources who are recently more and more condemning of modern cultural sexual norms but can be informative and helpful. I want spiritual help, but I fear ostracism and I need church as my cornerstone, it’s a justified fear sadly. The Orthodox Church hasn’t yet caught up even where the protestants have in some cases. Please don’t take that as judgement, women talk in whispers fearfully and my heart aches for us.
Dulcie,
Christ is in our midst! Thank you for your heartfelt and honest comment. From an Eastern Orthodox perspective, indeed, the Church has sometimes failed to provide adequate pastoral support and understanding for women struggling with sexual sin. This is a deep wound that needs attention and healing. At its heart, Orthodox Tradition teaches that all are called to repentance and that Christ welcomes everyone, regardless of the nature or extent of their struggles.
The story of Saint Mary of Egypt, whom you referenced, is especially relevant. She is one of the greatest saints of the Orthodox Church, remembered not for her sin but for her profound repentance and the boundless mercy she received from God. Her life is a testament that no one is beyond the reach of God’s grace and that the Church is meant to be a hospital for sinners, not a museum of the righteous.
Cultural taboos and a lack of open conversation can indeed leave women feeling isolated and unsupported. This is a problem that the Orthodox Church must address – with humility, compassion, and practical steps to create safe spaces for women to seek help, guidance, and healing without fear of judgment or exclusion.
Please know that your suffering is seen and that your desire for spiritual help is shared by many. The Orthodox Faith offers deep resources for healing, confession, and renewal. We pray that the Church will continue to grow in its ability to offer this love and support to all, especially to women who have felt neglected or silenced. Thank you again for your courage in sharing your experience. May God grant you strength, peace, and healing.
If a person commits a sexual sin and repents, is the person as pure as a virgin or as pure as the person was when virgin?
And it seems virgin orthodox people are hesitant to marry people who have fornicated even if they repent. Is this view encouraged?
Anonymous,
Christ is in our midst! In Orthodoxy, a person can be fully forgiven and made spiritually pure in the eyes of God through sincere repentance and God’s grace. For all intents and purposes, it would be as if the sin never happened. The Church teaches that God’s mercy is infinite and the blood of Christ is sufficient to cleanse from all unrighteousness. Spiritually, a repentant person is considered pure and clean in God’s sight, no less valuable or “pure” than someone who is physically a virgin. Therefore, the Orthodox Church does not forbid or discourage marrying someone who has repented of past sexual sins. If a person has truly repented and is striving to live a life in accordance with Church teachings, they are “good to go” in the eyes of the Church regarding marriage. All Christians are sinners in need of God’s mercy, and love “covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
Ultimately, the decision to marry a person with a sexual past is a personal one, made with prayer, discernment, and ideally, guidance from a spiritual father or priest. The hesitation you observe among some virgin Orthodox people is a personal feeling and not an official stance encouraged by the Church’s dogma, which emphasizes forgiveness and new life in Christ. We hope this helps answer your question – God bless you!
Hello, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a few years now. Really early on I had a pornography and masturbation addiction, a habit that I had unfortunately picked up from before the relationship, and continued during it for some time. Taking my faith more seriously, I have since stopped these acts, confessed to my priest and deeply repented.. However I wonder if this is something that u should share or confess to my girlfriend, and if so to what degree (like confessing who it was done to, how long, how many times or maybe other details). My priest did not instruct me to do this, however this is something I think about often.
Anonymous,
Christ is in our midst! We would highly recommend discussing this with your priest and listening intently to his counsel. There are times when such disclosure is necessary and other times when it is not. If it burdens you, speak with your priest about these feelings and ask him how to process them and move forward in your relationship. We pray the Lord gives you strength to overcome this passion and that He will grant you fruitful and fulfilling relationships moving forward. God bless you.